For years, I carried the weight of war long after I came home.
Combat leaves marks that don’t always show on the outside. I lost friends. I lost teammates. And for a long time, I thought I had lost myself too.
On the surface, I was still standing. But inside, I was unraveling.
The Weight of War
When I came back from deployment, I tried to return to “normal life.” But what had once been normal - relationships, routines, even just getting through the day - felt impossible.
I struggled with the trauma I carried from service. The memories. The grief. The survivor’s guilt. Every day, it was like dragging an invisible weight around that only I could feel.
I did what I thought I was supposed to do: I reached out for help. While I was still on active duty, I went to therapy and took the prescriptions I was given. But no matter what I tried, it never touched the depth of my pain. The nights were long. The days felt like survival. And slowly, I started slipping into substance use just to numb the edges.
The hardest part wasn’t just what I carried inside - it was how it spilled over into my family life. I was disappearing, piece by piece. I wanted to show up, to be present for the people around me, but too often I couldn’t. That created another layer of guilt, shame, and distance.
I felt like I was losing the battle I couldn’t name.
Searching for Relief
I didn’t give up. I kept looking for answers. I tried talk therapy. I cycled through medications. I even underwent a stellate ganglion block—a treatment designed to reset the nervous system and relieve symptoms of trauma.
Some of these approaches helped for a while. But it was always temporary. The darkness came back.
I remember thinking:
“What if this is just my life now?”
That question haunted me. I wanted more than survival. I wanted to live again.
When I Found VETS
Then, I heard about VETS. At first, I didn’t know what to think. Psychedelic-assisted therapy wasn’t something I ever imagined for myself. Like many veterans, I had been taught to keep my guard up, to push through, to distrust anything that didn’t fit inside the standard system of care.
But the more I learned, the more I realized this was something different. I spoke with other veterans who had gone before me - men and women I trusted, whose stories sounded a lot like mine. They weren’t promising miracles. They were honest: healing is hard, integration takes work, and psychedelics are not a “magic cure.” But they also had something I hadn’t felt in years: hope.
For the first time in a long time, I let myself believe that maybe there was another way forward.
Crossing the Threshold
With VETS’ support, I traveled abroad to begin treatment with ibogaine and 5-MeO-DMT. I was nervous, but I knew I had nothing left to lose.
During treatment, something shifted.
For years, I had carried so much - anger, shame, grief, numbness. But in those sessions, I felt the weight begin to lift. I felt clarity return. I felt connected again - to myself, to the people I loved, and to life itself.
It wasn’t easy. The medicine didn’t erase the past or make the trauma disappear. But it gave me something I hadn’t had in years: a sense that healing was possible.
Integration: The Real Work
The journey didn’t end when I came home. In many ways, that’s when the real work began.
VETS didn’t just send me abroad and leave me there. They walked with me through the integration process, helping me build new habits, find community, and stay accountable to the changes I wanted to make.
Slowly, I started rebuilding from the inside out.
What changed most wasn’t just my mindset. It was my heart. For years, I had been numb to love. But after treatment and integration, I could finally tell my wife something I hadn’t said in so long:
“I can feel love again.”
That moment marked a turning point. It wasn’t just about surviving anymore. It was about living fully - with openness, connection, and peace.
What Life Looks Like Now
Today, my life looks different. The weight I carried for so long isn’t gone - it’s still a part of me. But it no longer defines me.
I’m present with my wife. I’m able to enjoy the small moments I used to overlook. I feel peace where there used to be only chaos.
I won’t pretend it’s easy or that every day is perfect. Healing is ongoing. But every day, my life gets better. And for the first time in years, I feel like I’m truly alive.
Why I Share My Story
I truly believe that being able to heal in this way saved my life.
That’s why I share my story - not because it’s easy, but because I know there are other veterans out there who feel the way I did: hopeless, stuck, out of options.
If that’s you, I want you to know there is another path. Healing is possible.
And for those who support VETS, donors, advocates, policymakers, I want you to know the impact of your work. It’s not abstract. It’s not just numbers on a page. It’s veterans like me, getting a second chance at life.
Join the Mission
Veterans deserve safe, supported access to psychedelic-assisted therapy. This isn’t about quick fixes. It’s about real healing for veterans, their families, and their communities.
Organizations like VETS are making that possible. If my story resonates with you, I invite you to stand with us. Share this story. Support the mission. Help ensure no veteran has to carry the weight of war alone.
Because together, we can turn pain into purpose and give more veterans a path to peace.