Rewiring the Warrior Mind: Learning to Love Myself Through Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy
By Mikey McKim, VETS Grant Recipient + Ambassador
Surviving, Not Living
For years, I lived in survival mode. On the surface, I had built a successful military career and a stable life. But beneath it all, I was lost, broken, and drowning in darkness.
My 22-year marriage had collapsed. My self-worth was nonexistent. I had no safe space to process the weight of my trauma. I had spent 13 years cycling through therapy, prescription medications, alcohol, PTSD wellness programs, meditation, and fitness—trying everything that was supposed to help. Yet nothing touched the deep wounds I carried from childhood trauma, combat experiences, and personal losses.
The U.S. medical system gave me plenty of ways to numb the pain, but never the tools to actually face and process it. I was given a pill for sleep, another for anxiety, another for focus. If those didn’t work, there was always alcohol—especially in military culture, where drinking was an acceptable way to “cope.” But I wasn’t healing; I was suppressing. I was surviving, not living.
A Lifetime of Unprocessed Trauma
Looking back, I now see how deep the damage went. I wasn’t just dealing with one trauma—I was carrying a lifetime of them. My childhood was filled with adversity, and my military service only compounded that weight. Years of deployments, high-stakes environments, and personal sacrifices had built a fortress of self-destruction.
Yet, no one really knew. I had mastered the art of hiding my pain.
The worst part? I didn’t know how to ask for help. The military trains you to push through, to never show weakness–which, in that context, is an important survival tool. But after service, it made vulnerability feel impossible. So I just kept going, hoping something would eventually change.
Instead, I lost myself completely.
I reached a point where I couldn’t even look in the mirror without feeling disgusted. I felt like I had failed—as a husband, a father, a friend, a man. Every day felt like a battle I was losing.
A Turning Point
Then, on February 14, 2023, I made a choice that changed everything.
Through a Foundational Healing Grant from VETS, I traveled to Mexico for psychedelic-assisted therapy with ibogaine and 5-MeO-DMT. I didn’t know what to expect, but I knew I had nothing left to lose. I had tried everything else—therapy, medication, exercise—but it all felt like putting a Band-Aid over a bullet wound. I needed something deeper.
The treatment experience was unlike anything I had ever imagined.
Ibogaine didn’t just show me what was broken—it forced me to face it. It was intense, brutal, and beautiful all at once. I saw the truth of my pain, my trauma, my fears, but for the first time, I didn’t run from it. I leaned in.
And then came 5-MeO-DMT.
If ibogaine was the storm that tore everything down, 5-MeO-DMT was the light that followed. It gave me a sense of oneness, peace, and self-acceptance that I had never felt before. It was as if I had been given a second chance—not as the person I had been, but as the person I was meant to be.
When I looked in the mirror after my treatment, I smiled—a real, genuine smile. For the first time, I saw peace in my own eyes.
The Work of Integration
True healing began afterwards, with integration.
A lot of people think psychedelic-assisted therapy fixes you overnight. It doesn’t. What it does is open the door, but you still have to walk through it.
For me, that meant fully committing to my integration. I explored different tools—daily meditation, Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, heart rate variability breathwork, trauma release exercises. I even returned to school for psychology and became a certified psychedelic integration coach.
I didn’t do this to help others—I did this to figure myself out. To be the best version of me so I could truly show up for those who need me in their lives.
“People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.” – Matt Kahn
Integration wasn’t easy. Some days, I felt myself slipping back into old patterns. Some days, the weight of my past tried to pull me down. But this time, I had the tools to fight back.
Rediscovering Life
For years, I wondered why I couldn’t feel joy, peace, or love the way others did. I thought I was broken beyond repair.
But I learned that self-love isn’t a feeling—it’s a practice. It’s waking up every day and choosing to accept myself, to do the work, to let go of the guilt, the shame, and the old narratives that were keeping me stuck.
I started noticing the small things:
- The warmth of the sun on my face in the morning.
- The colors of the sky during a sunset.
- The smell of the ocean.
- The belly laughs of a child.
These were things I had been blind to for years. Now, I could feel them.
“It’s not about feeling better, it’s about getting better at feeling.” – Gabor Maté
A Message for Those Still Struggling
If you’re a veteran—or anyone, for that matter—struggling with PTSD, depression, or the weight of your past, know this: you are not alone. Healing is possible.
Two years post-treatment, my life still has challenges. But now, I face them with clarity and self-love. Thanks to VETS, psychedelic-assisted therapy helped give me my life back.
I had to leave the U.S. to find the treatments I needed, but the experience helped rewire my warrior mind. Now, I can finally say, with confidence and warmth in my heart: I truly love myself.